What I Hated About the Series Finale

They even broke my rule that dogs should never die!

In my last entry I talked about all the things I loved about the LOST series finale, and there were plenty. As promised this entry is donated to all the things I hated about the finale. As I have stated before, I think the finale gets better every time you watch it so I’m not going to be as harsh as I would have been if I had written this entry immediately following the episode. That being said, I still have some harsh words for the writers…

The writers never clearly and fully answered what happens if Smokey got off the island. This is an *unforgivable* mistake! How am I supposed to be properly invested in hoping our Losties defeat Smokey if I don’t know what the consequences of them failing are?? A high schooler could have done a better job. The writers should really be embarrassed that they failed writing 101 and did not properly explain the stakes. Furthermore, the writers never made it clear on what allows Smokey to leave the island. Would killing all the candidates and protectors do it? Was unplugging the island’s source a loop hole around that rule? Would either work? And most importantly, what happens to the rest of the world if the island sinks to the bottom of the ocean? Again, epic fail that the writers did not explain this fundamental question that the entire series was based on. Congratulations writers you are not smarter than a 5th grader.

The next huge problem with the finale was the Alternate Timeline (Alt-X). While I previously blogged that I loved the fact that the alternate timeline turning out to be a purgatory for the Losties because it answered all my Alt-X questions, it really was a *huge* waste of our time. Half of Season 6 was Alt-X and it turns out it didn’t matter at all. Let’s be honest, the reason the writers created Alt-X was to keep us in suspense over whether or not the nuke was the incident all along or if it would create a new timeline. Shortly after season 6 premiered I saw an interview with the writers and they were basking in their cleverness because they said that fans kept predicting EITHER the nuke was the incident OR the timeline would change, but no fan predicted BOTH would occur. Well it turns out that those of us who predicted that the nuke was the incident all along were right all along and you writers just made up Alt-X to confuse us. Making up a fake world to throw us off isn’t clever, again, it’s writing I’d expect from a grade schooler.

And speaking of wasting our time, how about season 6?? I love how the writers complained they didn’t have enough “space” to answer all of our questions but they had enough space to waste our time with a fake reality and with all that nonsense at the temple. What the hell was that all about?? Why did they have to go to the temple? If Smokey wasn’t able to kill candidates then they weren’t in danger and could they could have hung out anywhere. I suppose you could argue that Jacob could foresee everything and knew that reviving Sayid would allow him to save the Losties in the sub. But then why did we have to go through the redhairing of that stupid test they put him through followed by zombie Sayid?  Clearly none of the zombie/test stuff mattered since he sacrificed himself to save everyone. Did the writers really have no story left that they had to waste two-thirds of a season? Wouldn’t it have been better to answer questions such as why did women all of the sudden die if they got pregnant?

And speaking of that sub scene, I think the existence of Alt-X took a lot away from the deaths of Sayid, Jin & Sun. That scene should have rivaled the “Not Penny’s Boat” death scene but it lost a lot of power because we were still holding out hope that Alt-X would become reality and our favorite characters would survive. Once again, writing 101, if you want to create a powerful death scene you don’t allow your audience to wonder if the death will “stick”. Alt-X served little-no purpose and only made us question things that need not be questioned.

Finally, I need to vent a little more about the writers. On the series as a whole, they did a fantastic job of creating some of my favorite television characters of all time, but at the same time they did a horrible job at creating a mythology. They just seem like dicks that went out of their way to not explain anything and hold out as long as possible to answer something so you’d be in awe at how clever they were. Other than the moment we realized we were watching a flashforward and when we figured out the Smoke monster was impersonating a dead Locke, I don’t recall many “Bruce Willis is dead” moments in the series. Usually you had to piece things together by re-watching episodes or discussing ideas with your friends. The cynic in me really believes that the island was always going to be purgatory but they writers changed that one they discovered that was the fan’s number one theory, AND since they didn’t want to lose that cleaver idea, they added the purgatory concept into season 6. Very cynical huh? All in all, LOST was a great show but the writers attitude keeps it from being one of the best of all time.

Why I loved the series finale

A friend and I were sitting around the house lamenting over our LOST withdrawal when we decided to watch the finale again. Full disclosure: I have the series finale permanently saved on my Sally TiVo (yes that’s my TiVo’s name) and I’ve watched it 5 times prior to this latest viewing. Something about this viewing gave me the closure I finally needed to begin blogging about the finale.

The first time I saw the finale I was *extremely* upset that the writers did not answer some of our most pressing questions. Subsequent viewings made me appreciate the finale more but I still didn’t want to admit it was over and there were no more episodes left to answer my questions. I even dreaded blogging about the finale because writing about the episode meant it really was over. Well step aside Smokey Anger and Jack Denial because I’m flash-forwarding to acceptance.

For the most part I really liked the series finale but I still have some Mr. Eko-size issues with it. I think the only fair way to deal with my dual feelings is to give both my good and bad feelings their own blog. Let’s start with what I loved about the episode, or the white blog.

I loved how the “real” timeline was wrapped up and how things were tied up on the island. Jack sacrificing himself for the island was the perfect ending to his charter arch. Jack started as the reluctant leader, became the d-bag man of science who wouldn’t listen to reason, then became the blind follower of faith to finally become the man that finally figured everything out. The irony is that over the course of the series Jack was both the man of science (not admitting there was anything out of the ordinary about the island) and the man of faith (blowing up the nuke because it seemed like his purpose) but it wasn’t until Jack understood that there was a science to the island’s magic (figuring out that the island wouldn’t kill Richard) that we began to love Jack again. Dear Jack, congratulations on the character rebound, on saving the world, and for crying twice in the finale and it not pissing me off.

Believe it or not Jack’s perfect character wrap-up wasn’t even my favorite part of the “real” timeline ending…how bout’ that Hurley!! Part of me was really suspicious when we were told who Jacob’s successor was one episode before the series finale. To the fellow answer-cynics in the crowd it probably didn’t come as a huge surprise that Jack didn’t remain the final protector of the island. That being said, Hurley is the perfect island protector because he was the only character on LOST that didn’t have an agenda. He wasn’t trying to get back to anyone off-island, he wasn’t trying to fulfill an ambition and most importantly he was always looking out for everyone else. Ben becoming his number 2 was also the perfect ending for that character. Ben finally became more than magic-island middle management and a Hurley-Ben leadership allows us to debate whether that would be a better spin-off than the Sawyer-Miles buddy cop show.

And speaking of Timeline-X, I loved that all my questions about that timeline were answered. Yes I have problems with that timeline being purgatory and not meaning anything to the real timeline, BUT I never imagined in 10 Jacob lifetimes that all my Timeline X questions would be answered. All the differences and unbelievable Sun-survivals were explained by the fact that the timeline was completely made up by our Losties. What’s better is that Alt-X gave us insight into our favorite character’s regret’s. Desmond regretted that he was never accepted by Charles Widmore. Eloise Hawking wished that she didn’t stop her son from playing the piano and regretted pushing him to a fate where she would eventually kill him. Jack wished he had a kid. Locke wanted to be with Helen and on good terms with papa con man. We also finally understand why most of the Losties was happier in this alternate reality. Some people have asked me to explain why the island was at the bottom of the ocean in this alternate reality and I usually reply that I think most Oceanic Flight 815 passengers wouldn’t have shed a tear if that island was sunk, especially the ones that didn’t make it off the island.

Finally, it wouldn’t be my blog if I didn’t bullet-point many of the things I loved about the finale:

• Richard Alpert get’s gray hair!
• I like that *some* of the original losties finally got off the island. I wonder what the season 1-vegas odds were those particular characters making it off the island.
• Turns out what happened, happened after all. The Losties caused the incident all along. Again, who could have called that back in season 2?
• I’m man enough to admit I teared up during some of the flashbacks.
• Kiss me James. You got it blonde…
• Once Hurley had his awakening you could see that the character was played as though he was the island protector for a bunch of centuries, great touch.
• Sawyer telling Smokey that there’s a new Jacob in town.
• Frank FINALLY reminding those idiots that he’s a pilot and having him fly the plane off the island is a much better plan than blowing up their best escape route.
• Sun saying “I remember” while getting her ultra-sound. Really any scene with Sun, Jin, Sawyer and Juliet was great.
• Kate telling Jack that she really missed him. That line is so much more powerful the second time you watch it because you realize that Kate escaped the island and likely lived a long life where she missed Jack, while Jack died shortly after they parted.
• Jack and Smokey arguing over whether John Locke was foolish or not.
• Ben apologizing to Locke for killing him. Awkward much?
• And finally, Jack’s eye closing was the perfect way to end the series. In addition to that, how about season 6 beginning with Jack appearing in purgatory on the imaginary flight 815, akaJack’s first moment after his death, and season 6 ending with Jack closing his eyes which would be his last moment of life and would occur moment’s before Jack appears on the imaginary flight 815. Nice touch.

In closing, I like that we got one more moment with all our favorite characters and we got to see them in a little bliss. I mostly liked the finale and happen to like it more and more every time I watch it. I will post my black blog soon detailing all the problems I had with the finale. Stay tuned.

LOST Chance To Answer Questions??

If I don't get some answers I'm gonna smash this bottle

It’s almost here. This will be my last post before the Series Finale and I wanted to quickly recap last week’s episode and then leave you with questions I would like answered in Sunday’s Answer-palooza. Let me start by saying I LOVED “What They Died For”. It answered a bunch of questions and it had a story that moved. Timeline X has become really compelling although I still have no idea what’s going on there. Well no time for love Dr. Jones, onto the quick hits:

• Check, check, check! Got 3 things right this week! Jack is the new Jacob, Kate was crossed off cause she became a mommy & Jacob was communicating with Widmore off-island. Hello getting things right, oh how I’ve missed you
• After putting in all that hard work to redeem himself, did Other Ben undo all that or does he have some master plan with the walk-talkies? The last thing Smokey  said was that he is going to blow up the island, which means he’s going back on his word to leave the island to Other Ben. Shocked huh?
• Could Other Ben end up killing both protectors of the island? Watch out Jack, he’s coming for ya…
• So everyone in Timeline X is going to end up at this recital huh? Are they all going to have a “holy shit” moment and remember each other? Kumbaya, we’re alive and much happier people! Somehow I don’t see it…
• It’s Interesting that Hurley from Timeline X seems to remember everything since he recognized Anna Lucia
• You know my policy, until I see Richard’s body, he ain’t dead
• Is Jack going to learn all the secrets of the island from drinking the magic water? Jacob wasn’t told the secrets but he learned them somehow

I think the entire series comes down to this question: who is the better con man, Jacob or Smokey? Both seem pretty omnipotent and can see several steps ahead but only one of them is going to win this game. For instance you could say Jacob was dumb because he let the info about his Desmond-failsafe plan fall into Smokey’s smoke-hands via Charles Widmore. BUT you could also argue that maybe that was all part of Jacob’s master plan, we just haven’t seen it come to fruition yet. Jacob really gives me the impression that he knows all the moves Smokey is going to make, so the fact that ALL of Jacob’s plans seem to go wrong only convinces me that it’s on purpose. I think Jacob is pulling the ultimate long con on Smokey and we’re about to learn his full mind blowing plan on Sunday night.

For those of you who have been with me from the beginning, you know that I love to make bold predictions, so here goes nothing (and I really mean that):

• Desmond will destroy the island which will destroy Smokey. Jacob purposefully gave Widmore bad info because he knew Widmore would cough it up to Smokey
• The frozen donkey wheel will allow Hurley & Kate to leave the island. Claire & Sawyer will die and I will weep like a little girl
• We will learn a lot about Eloise Hawking. Maybe a centric episode?
• Juliet is the mother of Jack’s son and will finally get that coffee with Sawyer. This one is a slam dunk at this point right?
• The regular timeline will become Timeline X when Desmond blows up the island. The nuke just got the Losties back to their normal time
• Eloise Hawking will turn out to be the host from Tales of the Crypt. I’m serious about this one

If only I knew what the island had in store for me

Finally, I wanted to end this entry with a list of questions that I would like answered in the upcoming 2.5 hours. I know most of my readership hates commenting but I’d love to hear what questions you’d like answered that I missed. Here’s my first crack:

• Why did the Losties plus Juliet jump through time but not Richard and the Others? Why did only Jack, Kate, Hurley & Sayid blast back in time when 316 crashed/landed on the island?
• Why was the island on the bottom of the ocean in LA X?
• What will really happen if Smokey gets off the island?
• Why does turning the frozen donkey wheel put you in Tunisia?
• How does Eloise Hawking know so much?
• What is the origin of the source and how did Jacob & Smokey’s mom learn how to use it? How does the source let you make rules?
• Why did Jacob’s cabin move?
• Why do ash and sonar fences keep Smokey at bay?
• Why did pregnant mothers all of the sudden start dying on the island?
• Why did Other Ben tell Widmore, “you know I can’t kill you”. What rules govern the leader of the Others?
• What did The Others believe they were doing? What is their mission statement?
• Who was friggen shooting at Sawyer, Juliet, Jin, Miles, and Charlotte when they were bouncing around in time?
• The island moves but there is still a Dharma food drop?
• Why was Walt so friggen special?

So there you have it, nothing left to do but wait! See ya in another life brotha!

What will you do after LOST ends?

Did I ever mention I'm obsessed with maps?

As much as we don’t want to admit it, tuesday night was our last tuesday night LOST episode ever! If your weekends are anything like my weekends, then they are finished faster than Hurley’s bucket of McClucks chicken, so Sunday night’s finale will be here before you know it. So the question becomes, what will YOU do when LOST is finished? Will you find another show to fill the void? Will you revel in all the free time you’ll get back when you won’t have to spend your Wednesday mornings & afternoons reading Doc Jensen’s blog and discussing how the color of Claire’s roots is a clue that she is really on Jacob’s side?

As someone who has only been a LOST fan for 6 months, I feel like a guest at the LOST funeral. I cannot express enough how much respect I have for those of you who have hung in there since season 1 or 2. I know I couldn’t have made it. I would have jumped off a building when you got LOST-screened after Locke blew the hatch. You mean I have to wait HOW long to find out what’s in there? Or what if I had to wait 6 months to find out what was going on with the Flashforward, or even worse, who was in that coffin!?! As I said much respect for all you and better you than me.

In order to best answer the question posed by this blog, I am posting my answers to my week 13 LOST Blogging Collective and am also posting Animosity Pierre’s latest Previously On Lost video which does hilarious justice to answering this question. A must watch for sure. Loyal followers will know that Animosity Pierre has already done a video exploring what happens to someone who decides to watch all the LOST videos for the first time without sleep or pee breaks (no truth to the rumor it was based on yours truly) and a second video on how to bring 2 LOST newbies up to speed in 5 minutes before the Season 6 LOST premier (my personal favorite). So as promised:

1) What are your post-Lost plans? Will you continue writing about Lost, or is that it, over, done, finito?

Assuming the finale is in the same mind-blowing stratosphere that “The Incident” was, I plan on re-watching the entire series to see what I missed the first time around. After that, rumor has it that Dr. Drew is going to setup a LOST rehab facility for those of us who need our weekly fix, so I plan on signing up along with celebrity fans Jimmy Kimmel and Mary Carey.

2a) How do you rate the following character’s chances of surviving the finale : Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, Claire, Frank, Ben, Richard, Miles, Desmond, Cindy, Zack, Emma, Charles Widmore, “Smokey”.

In the original timeline, I believe only Jack will survive. It seems to me that whoever controls the island tends to purge the the people living on the island whenever they discover too many answers. I just hope the LOST writers don’t take a page from their own book and try to purge us LOST fans “The Ring Style” once we watch the finale and learn all the answers.

2b) How do you rate the following character’s chances of appearing in the finale : Walt, Penny, young Charlie, Rose, Bernard, Vincent.

I believe all of the above will appear in the finale except Walt. Walt is probably 6 foot at this point and that growth is probably too difficult to explain even on this show. The show began with Vincent waking up Jack so I think it would be poetic if Jack became Jacob’s successor and slipped Vincent a drink of the ageless wine so they can protect the island together. Then we can have a LOST followup series depicting Vincent’s attempt to find a loop hole so he can die because he can’t stand an eternity of Jack’s crying.

And without further ado (because Animosity Pierre hates ado):

The source of all confusion

If you go inside you will reset The Matrix

So after my christmas-day like excitement, “Across the Sea” turned out to be a disappointment of Matrix Reloaded proportions minus the creepy dance scene. Much to my (our) frustration, the writers chose to explain Jacob’s origins with new mysteries, mythologies and rules. There is a golden light on the island that seems to be the source of all the strange things that happen on the island. Somehow Psycho Mom knows all about this source and can use it to prevent Jacob & Smokey from killing each other. She also attempted to use it to make Jacob & Smokey immortal but she must have missed a decimal place because Smokey found a loop hole around that rule. Sure there was no explanation on the origins of Psycho Mom or “the source” but hey, the writers have plenty of time to wrap up those small mysteries…

Do I sound bitter? Well I wanted a Harley but all we got was this Moped. I think the consensus on this episode was that while it was nice to get some backstory on our favorite Island Twins, the episode could have aired at the beginning of this season. Did the writers really think it was a good idea to drop all these new mysteries on us with 2 episodes to go?? I’m getting nervous that the finale is just going to be Jacob answering Hurley’s questions in a Dharma classroom. Maybe Sawyer will convince Jack & Kate to cut class and take out Hurley’s Dharma van for a spin all while catching a ball game with the remaining Others. Smokey will no doubt have to prove that Sawyer is playing hooky and isn’t really sick, while wearing a blindfold because that’s how arbitrary the rules are on this island.

I digress. With 3 LOST hours left, “Across the Sea” didn’t give us enough answers and only provided us with new questions. However, let’s talk about what we did learn:

• Adam & Eve were Psycho Mom & Smokey! I’m mad at myself for not guessing Psycho Mom after Smokey informed Kate of her existence. Putting the white & black stone at their grave should have also clued me in more
• Smokey doesn’t age because he lost his body! On the plus side, he can take on the appearance of any dead person on the island. This explains why he can’t be killed with conventional means. Jacob doesn’t age because he drank the wine of youth. I’m assuming Richard Alpert toasted with Jacob’s wine to freeze his age as well
• Jacob protects the source and he has the ability to set rules. While this explains why Smokey can’t kill the candidates, it doesn’t explain how the source can magically set rules
• Jacob & Smokey are twins! Did this come as a shock to anyone??

Now onto my new questions/theories:

• How did Smokey know that installing a wheel at the source could remove him from the island? And why does turning the wheel remove you from the island? I don’t like that they made Smokey “extra special”. I liked the fact that everyones specialness could be explained by a J-Touch. Now it seems as if there is another mysterious player making everything happen
• On the topic of Smokey being “special” it seems like he has the power to see dead people while Jacob doesn’t. Did Psycho Mom give him that power? Clearly this is why Smokey was surprised that Sawyer & Desmond could see boy-Jacob. Are they are special too??
• Why did the light go out when Jacob threw Smokey into the source? Does Smokey now hold the source’s power? Is that why his departure from the island would mean the end of man-kind? If Smokey enveloped the “warm light” that would explain why the wheel is now frozen
• Why did Psycho mom thank Smokey for killing her? Was she looking for a loop hole all this time too? Did she only raise Jacob & Smokey so they would one day kill her?
• I think the Temple is built on the site where the source was located. Under the Temple seems to be where Smokey “lives” and it would make sense that people would worship the area.
• Does Smokey have a name? I think he’s more menacing without one. Sort of how people would’t say Voldemort’s name

So where do we go from here? Somehow the two timelines must merge and a candidate must be picked. Smokey also has to regroup because it’s going to be much harder to kill the candidates now that they understand the rules. Since Hurley is playing the part of Whoopee in this ghost-story it only makes sense that he will pass on the wine of life to Jacob’s successor who I believe will be Jack. I don’t have a clue what this has to do with the alternate timeline but it’s interesting that Smokey possesses the source and Juliet nuked part of the source. I’m beginning to think the alternate timeline is Smokey’s version of The Matrix, although I don’t know what his motive is (how many Matrix references can go in one blog?)

Well that’s all for this week, I’m excited about tomorrow’s episode if for no other reason than it can’t be more disappointing than “Across the Sea.

Here comes the Man in Black

This place is death

Greetings fellow Losties. Rumors that I was captured by the Smoke Monster have been overstated, although that would have been a much cooler story than me working 16 hour days. I’ve returned just in time to do a mad recap of the last few episodes and to run a few theories by you before tonight’s widely anticipated episode. Just a warning, if you’ve been hiding under whatever rock Ben & Richard Alpert are under and don’t want to know who tonight’s episode is about please read no further. As always, I never post spoilers and am only going by last week’s previews..

I have that same feeling I had before the Richard Alpert episode only there is even MORE anticipation…a Smoke Monster centric episode! And if we’re really lucky it’ll be a Smokey & Jacob centric episode. Somewhere around the age of 12, I am sad to say, I stopped feeling that Christmas zeal that kept me from sleeping on xmas eve (Dear Santa bring me a Super Nintendo). Well that feeling is back in spades. Somehow I was able to get a few hours of sleep last night, however, I don’t know how I’ll get through work today (is it 9pm yet?) Ok now what I’ve missed…

I won’t even try to cover the last 3 episodes in a single blog considering we had 3 main deaths and a Desmond episode. First the deaths. I have criticized this show as being afraid to kill any of the 5-6 main characters and I stubbornly stand behind that remark. As devastated as I was to see Jin & Sun die, (there may not be crying in baseball but it should be allowed in LOST) there’s still a chance they’ll live happily ever after. If Timeline X turns out to be the real timeline then they will be alive. I understand the writers can’t reveal what’s going on with Timeline X yet but the alternate timeline does take a little away from the tragedy of our favorite characters’ deaths.

As far as the deaths go, for me it ranks second to Charlie’s death in terms of most heart-wrenching. Charlie’s death was built up too long and was in the service of self-sacrifice so it felt a bit “grander”. On the other hand, as some of my LOST friends will note, I didn’t reply to text messages or answer phone calls for at least 30 minutes after the episode ended. I’m revealing to them for the first time that I was hiding behind the excuse of “I’m watching it on TIVO delay and I’ll get back to you when I’m finished”. While this was perfectly true, I still took much longer than needed to get back to them. After grieving for Jin once, I found the second time unbearable. Their daughter is an orphan and will never meet her father. Why didn’t Sun demand Jin save himself for their daughter?Damn you Jacob and your stupid island!

Last thought on the deaths, are we going to miss Sayid? After being character-assassinated for almost the entire season, he snapped out of his “no feelings” trance to spare Desmond and try to save the Losties on the sub. This brings up more questions on what it means to become infected by the Smoke Monster. I really hope they at least clear that matter up this week. It also speaks to my biggest grip against season 6: stop making my favorite characters lame!

Ok, I think I bitched enough, especially since the past few episodes have been awesome. I loved the Hurley and Libby re-kindlement, loved the Desmond episode and I love Desmond playing the role of Jacob in Timeline X. Let me hit you with some of my thoughts from the last few episodes:

• FINALLY Timeline X has become interesting and relevant!
• Eloise told Desmond that Timeline X is a reality where everyone gets what they want. How is she able to see The Matrix? Is it real? Do Smokey & Jacob know about it? Sayid confirmed that Smokey promised to bring back Nadia. Was Smoking manipulating Sayid or was he talking about Timeline X?
• Add Desmond to my list of people I believe have been J-Touched. I can’t believe I missed the fact that he’s immune to Electromagnetic Energy. While we’re at it, Eloise was probably J-Touched too
• Why didn’t Smokey kill Desmond to being with? Why throw him down a well? I have a theory coming up on why Desmond is fatal to Smokey
• I’ll take last week’s episode as confirmation that Smokey needs all the candidates to die before he can leave the island. People have asked how he knew that some of the candidates survived and my theory is because I think he would know when he became free. If nothing else, he will likely be able to change his appearance back the form back that “Jacob stole from him”
• So whispers are dead people trapped on the island. I’ve had a tough time sorting out when a dead person was a Smokey-impersonation and when it was just a dead person. In the end I I decided that Hurley is the only one that sees real dead people, because of his power, and the rest were probably Smokey.
• How the hell is Widmore’s island intel so good?? How did he know about Desmond’s EM ability and the 100 other things he seems knows. Someone is communicating with him and I think it’s Jacob
• I think Kate was removed as a candidate because she is a mom now. She would never have put the island before Aaron. My theory falls apart when you ask about Kwon but technically Jin never met his daughter

Before I finish this blog, I need to get my Desmond theory on the record. I think that Smokey is Electromagnetism-incarnate when he is the black smoke thing and thus cannot hurt Desmond in that form. I also believe Desmond is the only person that can kill Smokey. My backup theory is that the pockets of energy on the island give Smokey his power and Desmond will either have to use those pockets to kill Smokey or destroy the pockets to kill Smokey. Either way, Dez is gonna do in Smokey.

Finally, I just want to say something about Jacob. Since the Richard Alpert episode I’ve hated Jacob. If Jacob is containing Smokey on the island in order to save humanity, then Jacob is a huge asshole. Follow me here. If manipulating a human into killing Jacob is the only loop-hole to free Smokey, then why does Jacob take that risk of bringing people to the island? He told Richard it was because he wants to prove to Smokey that people can be good. If that’s the real reason than Jacob is even worse than Smokey because he’s risking the destruction of humanity just to prove a stupid point. Dear Jacob, stop bringing people to the island, everyone is happier in Timeline X without you and your stupid island, Love Finally Lost. P.S. you suck. All that said, it does not explain: “It only ends once, the rest is just progress”.

Next up on Finally Lost, we’ll discuss the big episode and talk a little about all these LOST Finale parties going on. Any guesses on who I’ll be dressing up as??

Loosen up my buttons baby

That's exactly what the Pussycat Dolls had in mind

Kudos again to the writers for the title “The Package”. In addition to being everyone’s favorite euphemism for men’s “junk”, it kept up with the trend of having meanings in both Timeline Prime and Timeline X. Like a lot of you I was pretty bored by “The Package” which is disappointing because I am usually a fan of Sun/Jin-centric episodes. This episode perfectly captured my 2 biggest problems with this season: 1) for the most part I don’t care about Timeline X and 2) cramming the entire island mythology in the last 17 episodes really takes away from the great character developed stories we are use to.

Is it LOST-blaspheme to say I am really bored with Timeline X?? Well dude, I don’t know where it’s going so how can I get invested in it? Is Timeline X really just a season-long epilogue explaining what happens to the characters after they change time again at the end of Season 6? Is it really a first go around and something happens/happened to make Timeline Prime the “truth timeline”? Who knows and until I understand I really can’t get too invested into whether or not Jin and a shopping-obsessed/more obedient Sun get married despite Daddy Sun’s disapproval. At the end of the day, I don’t know which Timeline is “truth”, so I don’t know which one to be invested in. And before you comment on it, I will not accept that both timelines will be “truth” because that really hurts my head.

And yes it’s true, I’m complaining about too many answers. My problem isn’t so much with all the answers we are getting, but rather the pace in which we are getting them. There is something intrinsically wrong about cramming all of the answers into season 6. Did we really have to wait until the last episode of season 5 to learn that everything happening on the island is because of a battle between good and evil? And doesn’t this battle take away from the small day to day character battles we’ve been so invested in for so long? Widmore tells Jin that it doesn’t matter if he reunites with Sun because if Smokey gets off the island Armageddon is going to occur. Boy that really takes the wind from my “will Hurley will every find out that Libby was in the institution with him” sails. How can I root for a Jin-Sun reunion when I’m worried about Armageddon?  Everything takes a back seat to Armageddon…except for of course Penny and Desmond ending up together (more on that later).

Now it’s time for my weekly paragraph on why Jacob sucks and how his stupid J-touching ruins everyone’s lives. Are Jin and Sun better off in Timeline X or Timeline Prime? That’s a really tough question because neither timeline is really great to them. In Timeline Prime, I would argue they are both better people. Jin is a better person, they have a daughter sorta-together, and Sun has neutralized the threat her dad poses via her Oceanic fortune. On the other hand, they’ve been apart for 3 years, Jin’s never seen his daughter and they may be stuck on the island which would prevent them from being with their daughter. Side note, Widmore showing Jin pictures of his daughter for the first time was this season’s most touching scene to date. Tear. Now back in Timeline X, Jin is still sucky pre-island Jin, Sun doesn’t appear to be as capable of a person and Sun’s dad just had Jin deliver his own bounty pay to contract killers. P.S. How cold it is that he sent Kreamy a watch too?? I’d like to pay you $25,000 to kill the guy that’s nailin my daughter and oh, here’s a watch for your troubles. I think it’s time to award Jacob his 2nd victory, congratulations, it a tight race but you’ve made life better for TWO Losties through your J-touch powers. Note: if Jin and Sun aren’t reunited with their daughter, I’ll have to re-award this to Timeline X, assuming Sun doesn’t die from her gunshot wound.

Last point before the quick hits, it IS interesting that Smokey’s release could cause Armageddon. It would also vindicate everything Jacob’s been doing and would just make everything they’ve gone through an acceptable casualty of war. I would, however, argue against Jacob’s tactics. If Jacob keeps Smokey locked down, then why bring people to the island and risk having Smokey manipulate them into killing Jacob? I think it’s because Jacob is bored and wants to shove humanity’s goodness in Smokey’s ‘er smoke face. That makes hubris Jacob’s weakness.

And now the quick-hits:

• Jin and Sun not married?? Jacob really dangles the strings here but the more interesting question is, how is Jin not sterile in this timeline (assuming Sun’s baby is Jin’s)?? Maybe the J-touch actually made Jin sterile because a baby would have prevented them both from getting on that plane. Sun would not have taken the trip with a baby in tow and probably wouldn’t have learned English if she had a baby with Jin
• Jack is SO on board with Jacob now and there’s NO way Kate is going to convince him to leave the island. Why do you find it so easy!!??!!
• It was interesting that Jin was being held in the same room Carl was held in once upon a time (Rm 23). Does that annoying sound keep Smokey out? During my re-watch of season 3 I noticed that the screen says God loves Jacob
• I wonder what Widmore and Sun worked out during their off-island meeting. In light of that meeting, his holding Jin seems more than a coincidence, unless you buy that Tina Fey REALLY needs to know about those pockets of energy
• Speaking of those pockets, are we finally going to find out what they do? Do they give Jacob his power? Do they give Smokey his power? Do they keep Smokey at bay? Where did they come from?
• Why didn’t Widmore’s crew just kill all of Smokey’s followers? That would have been an easy way to “win the war”
• Sun can’t speak English?? Really?? Laaame
• Sun has nice boobs!
• And finally…I got really scared when Widmore talked to Jin about understanding the fact he was kept from his daughter. More than any other moment, that’s when I knew that the damn the package was Desmond. I kept saying PLEASE don’t let the package be Desmond. I’m willing to sacrifice the return of one of my favorite characters, just so he can live happily with Penny! I hate Widmore, and wonder where my girl Penny is 😦

Well, lots of thought and theories this week, let me know what you think. In a late breaking theory someone told me that all the Timeline X storylines are converging on all of the Losties going to a hospital. That might be worth exploring…

Oh Smokey You Devil

Wine and Richard Alpert get better with age

 

Sometimes in life we must patiently a long time for a final book, a final episode, a sequel or even a dreaded prequel. Sometimes that wait becomes The Phantom Menace and sometimes it becomes Dark Knight. Congratulations to the writers of LOST, the lost awaited Richard Alpert flashback was more Man in Black than Jar jar Binks. 

Answers, answers, answers, answers. It’s hard to choose one, but if I had to select my favorite reveal from this episode,  how about the fact that the island is really a huge butt plug for evil. Didn’t see that one coming. So Smokey is evil incarnate and Jacob’s job is to keep him locked away (get it) from the rest of the world. I’ve been saying for weeks that Jacob is the “good guy” and after this episode I think it’s time to read the last will and testament to those who think Smokey is the “good guy”. Time of death, 9:55pm EST.  Yes Jacob manipulates, he doesn’t give much help and he sure don’t give straight answers, but while that would make him a good LOST writer, it does not make him evil. Smokey on the other hand, kills, he corrupts and he doesn’t believe people can be good. While Smokey wants to get off the island at all costs, Jacob exists to trap MIB for the greater good. I think it’s time we all accept the fact that white is good and black is evil and the debate is over. 

Even if you are still not buying that Jacob is “good” and Smokey is “evil”, I think you have to agree that Jacob is the god figure and smokey resembles devil. Jacob takes a hands off approach and wants people to decide right & wrong on their own. Jacob chooses an intermediary to delivery his message (Richard/Moses) instead of talking directly to the people. Jacob seems only concerned with his overall plan and tells people to trust him but not question him when his plan screws them over. Full disclosure for those readers who don’t know me off-island, I am an agnostic. Thus it’s not terribly surprising that I’ve been frustrated with Jacob all season since he’s constantly displayed the qualities of an absentee god. That being said, I sure don’t want Smokey to win. 

Again, I think it’s pretty obvious that Smokey displays a lot of the characteristics typically attributed to the devil. He delivers certainty and tells you exactly what to do (kill Jacob and you WILL get your wife back). While Jacob slightly manipulates, Smokey tells huge lies. Smokey tells Richard he is dead and in hell in order to manipulate him (unfortunately Richard is unaware that this theory has been debunked by the writers). He tells Richard that his wife is alive and being held by Jacob even though dead is dead. He fakes an Isabelle kidnapping via his Smokey-impersonation powers. And he even tells Richard he’ll always take his service if he changes his mind, which is classic a George Burns (Devil) move! Yes I ‘m annoyed with Jacob for not getting personally involved and helping the cause but that just makes him an absentee father, not the devil. 

One last thought, if the island is sunk in Timeline X, does that mean Smokey is uncorked and reeking havoc?? Maybe Jacob and Smokey are both dead and that’s why Timeline X is such a better place… 

Now the quick hits… 

• It’s been officially confirmed that Smokey killed Jacob to get off the island. Score one more for the “Grand Lost Theory” that I wrote before the Season 6 premier! “Jacob stole my body.” Interesting choice of words…
• On the other hand,  My “Jacob and Smokey are aliens” and “the island is a spaceship” theories are in some serious trouble and need a good dunking in Jacob’s resurrection pool
• I think the tenet of “Dead is Dead” is something we can hold our hats on. While Jacob’s powers seem supernatural, they are not limitless. He cannot being back Isabelle from the dead and he cannot guarantee Richard will not go to hell. This tells me he is not a god. It’s interesting that Smokey offered Richard the impossible carrot of bringing back Isabelle which even further’s the “Smokey is the devil” theory.
• How long did Richard survive without food and water when he was chained up in the Black Rock!?! It seemed like weeks!
• It seems like Smokey can download people’s memories to decide how corruptible you are. Seems like he made a decision that Richard was the most corruptible of the Black Rock survivors and thus let him live. This may be why he left Locke alive in Season 1, however it doesn’t explain why he tried to pull Locke underground during “Exodus”
• Is Isabelle the first confirmed Smokey-impersonation of a dead person whose body was not on the island? Not sure if I’ve said this before but if I were him, I’d appear as a naked Juliet and just look at myself all day
• Lostapedia is now saying that the writers have confirmed the ship in “The Incident” was the Black Rock. After Jacob and Smokey’s conversation on the beach, the storm abruptly occurred. I guess Jacob used the storm to bring the ship in? I wonder if he knew he was going to wreck his statue.

So we got a ton of back story and a bunch of answers, I think that means we are set for a completely answer-free character-centric episode. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb by suggesting this will be a Sun/Jin centric episode, although we haven’t had a Hurley-centric episode yet. Here’s to hoping this will be the week when our favorite Koreans reunite, and by “reunite” I mean doooz it. Hey it’s probably been a while for poor Jin…

Bring on Richardus!

Mr. Dotted Line

Finally the very late recap of Recon! This season, the writers have really impressed me with the titles they’ve come up with. I haven’t seen such multi-layered titling since the last time I was in Excitement Video (Robin Head, The Screwman Show, I’m looking at you). So Smokey sends Sawyer on a recon mission and back in good ol’ Timeline X, a pen-less Sawyer has turned in his cowboy boots for a police star. Little does his partner Miles know, Mr. Ford is on a secret mission to find and kill Sawyer aka Anthony Cooper aka Locke’s kidney-stealing pappy. No matter if James is rockin facial scruff or a wire, he’s the same old con man. Recon.

I think I’ve kept my man crush on Sawyer as well hidden as a Plaxico Burress 9-millimeter so I know you are all thinking that I loved Recon. Believe it or not, Recon was not one of my favorite episodes of the season. The only thing that was on my mind after Recon was, “Ooooh my god, we are FINALLY getting a Richard Alpert-centric episode!” Sawyer banged Charlotte and used my the Indiana nickname I gave her…I’m sorry did they really just say Richard Alpert!! Dr. Chang is off the island…um how many minutes till next tuesday?!? Ironically after a Sawyer-centric episode, I was only left with Dick on my mind.

Because I was a slacker, aka worked too much in my other jobs, I didn’t get a chance to blog last week, however, I wanted to get my Alpert theories posted before they became disproven. I think the Richard episode will be more about the island than the Man in Eyeliner himself. More than any other character, save Smokey & Jacob, I believe Richard’s backstory is tied to the island itself. I really hope we learn why the island has magical healing properties or what the island actually is. I’m fully prepared for my island-is-a-spaceship theory to go down in smokey flames but I’m going to give it one last donkey-wheel turn before abandoning it. Richard HAS to know SOMETHING about Jacob and the island. Hell he dropped the jewel about a J-touch giving you powers a few weeks ago, so I’m expecting a magic island tell-all this week. The real question for Richard is why is he always a bridesmaid but never a bride? Why was he good enough to be the advisor to the leader of The Others but never good enough to be a candidate? And will we ever learn how the Black Rock ended up so far inland?

OK, I’d be really remiss if I didn’t write something about last week’s episode, so here are the quick hits:

• Mile’s hooked Sawyer & Charlotte up via his dad through the always hott science love connection. So, Dr. Chang got off the island too! I’ve finally given up on having this explained. I’m just going to patiently wait until the writers are ready to explain this to us (they’d better explain it to us)
• Did I find the Charlotte/Sawyer romp a bit indecent because of my feelings for Juliet? A little. The writers have really taken advantage of us in an ironically Sawyer-like fashion in the relationship department. Most of us want Sawyer and Juliet to end up somehow no matter how many times she shows up in the V previews (does that show ever actually air?)
• Last sex note, I gotta give Sawyer props for banging 2 chicks in the same week, one while undercover. Mr. Ford, I salute you for getting a job while on the job!
• In Timeline X, Mama Ford was still hanging with Mr. Cooper but somehow not having a pen is the difference between a career as a cop and criminal. Damn you Jacob!
• Add Miles & Dr. Chang to the list of shinny and happy people in Timeline X. Gun to my head I’ll even say Sawyer is happier. I’m really starting to hate this Jacob guy
• Miles displayed no dead person talking ability. Props to my theory that the J-touch gave him that power
• You know an episode is going to lack reveals where there is no “Previously On Lost” intro. I’m betting Richardus’ episode has one
• The Smokey/Kate talk was annoying because it gave us an answer to a question no one asked. I now, however, think that  Smokey & Jacob are brothers.
• I did NOT like the scene where Crazy Claire attacked Kate out of nowhere. There were plenty of other times when she could have post-prego-struck, why then? It was interesting that Smokey revealed his motived for lying to Claire about Aaron
• In the same scene Sayid looked creepy! I will be pissed at the writers if they’ve ruined one of my favorite characters

Only a couple of hours to tonight’s episode, I don’t have much more to say other than bring it on!

A matter of perspective

You're about to talk to yourself

Last week’s Q/A with Stream Of Consciousness was a very interesting question, hope you enjoy!

1) You are Miles. Sayid has burst into the Temple and asks you to choose – pick Jacob and stay within the Temple with the people that have kidnapped you, tortured you and mysteriously told you to stay put, on the promise of ‘safety’, or pick Smokey and go on a vague journey with a monster that has promised to kill everyone and anyone who disagrees with him. Should you stay or should you go? Who do you trust at this point?

Finally Lost:

Dude this sucks! I shoulda got on that sub when I had the chance. I could of made some stock moves and placed a few sports bets and I would have been the Chinese Moe Green. But NOOO, I’m stuck in this damn temple with some guy from the cast of Big Trouble in Little Chinatown and his hippie translator. La Fleur’s gone AWOL, Jin never came back and even Hurley left (although I’m kinda glad I don’t have to try and explain to numb-nuts why the nuclear explosion was really the incident all along and whatever happened, happened!) I don’t trust the Arab guy because he should be dead, so until I get some answers, or La Fleur returns, I’m not moving. Btw, would it really hurt any of these Hostile chicks to take a shower once in a while? After 3 years of no play in Dharmaville, digging up Naomi is looking like a viable option!

Ms Wendy @ It’s About Bunnies:

If I’m thinking like Miles, I’m going to stick with the Jacob people, especially with this Ilana chick. She’s pretty, tough, knows what’s going on… and I dig her accent. Plus, it seemed like there was a brief moment that Miles was” listening” to something, possibly coming from the floor, right before Ilana kicked in the door. He might have been getting some “answers” there and wants to stick close to people who have a history with the Temple.

2) You are Kate. You have found yourself far from home following three people you thought were your friends – one is a zombie monster, one is a lunatic and the other has recently caused the death of many and is trying to convince you to follow the zombie monster so that all your dreams can come true. All you want to do is grab the lunatic and make a run for it. What do you do? What CAN you do?

Finally Lost:

OK Kate, 5…4…3…2…1…Ok, let’s just keep our cool and get Claire alone. She’ll understand that I had to take Aaron because she left him in the jungle all alone. God Sawyer looked hott..ok Kate, focus! Maybe Claire didn’t remember leaving Aaron behind, stranger things have happened on this island, like the time I got trapped in a cage with Sawyer yum!…Come on Kate, pull it together! You just out that Smoke monster thing is impersonating Locke and Claire is bff with it. I have to convince her to leave with me so we can find Sawyer and maybe get stuck in a net with him..dammit Kate this is what you get for shacking up with a guy that cries all the time. I’ll just explain to Claire that I’ve had Aaron this whole time and he’s safe and sound off the island with her mother. Then I’ll convince her to leave the smoke monster and try and find a way off this island with me so I can reunite her with Aaron and so she can wash her hair.

Scott @ The Stuff Of Legend:

Ugh, I have to be Kate? Hmmm…this one will be tougher.

Well, at this point she’s pretty much sold out to the idea of reuniting Claire and her bay-bee. Where else is she going to go? She finally blew off Jack (funny that the one time she DOESN’T tag along with Jack, this is what happens), Sawyer basically told her to hit the bricks…unless she’s going to try and set up an unprecedented Love Pentagon by going after Miles, I guess she’s pretty much committed to sticking with Claire at this point.

And, just like with Miles, she doesn’t have all of the information that we do…she doesn’t know that Claire has become an axe-wielding, trap-setting, more homicidal version of Rousseau. Although, to be honest….shouldn’t the hair have given it away?